I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
