dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
