hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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