omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
