just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Randomize
