I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
