He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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