did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
