Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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