Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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