3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
