This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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