I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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