I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
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