You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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