Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
