im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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