I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Randomize
