He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
