WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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