I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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