she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
