Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.