It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do