great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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