apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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