genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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