it was like eating out sand paper
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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