shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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