Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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