I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
