I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
