listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
