from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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