trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
