then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
