I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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