that's an acceptable place to lick
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
