all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
