She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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