did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
