you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
