I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Randomize
