Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
