the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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