I wish my penis had an off switch
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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