he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
