i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
