peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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