i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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