life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
