I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
