If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
