shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
