3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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