I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
