God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
