Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
