She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
