i wish starbucks made bloody marys
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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