just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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